Millions of Students Pour Ice Cubes on Road, Schools Closed
The dwindling amount of snow days has prompted students to create their own. Cole Enstocking, the mastermind of the scheme, invited students to dump “as many tons of ice cubes you can get your hands on” on the night of January 15th, extending their weekend to 4 days. His actions have not only resulted in his public execution but also devastating results for citizen households.
Enstocking, a student at Wontgovmery Clair High School, was an avid member of the Meteorology Club. Other members recalled him as “incredibly good at what he does, but frankly a bit neurotic”. Even after several failed human sacrifices, the club failed to get any snow to fall last year. Other cult members were fine with having to wait another year, but Enstocking and a few other seniors knew that they wouldn’t get another chance, as they would be graduating. They came up with the plan to cover all major roads with ice cubes in order to cause road closure and school cancellation. Through flyers and social media posts, the news spread.
On the night of January 15th, the plan unfolded. Some students dumped only a few buckets on the road just outside their house, but others were seen pushing entire wheelbarrows and pouring bags of ice on the highways. Seemingly every student was participating, as students who did not have since gone missing. Yongle Xin said “My friend was taken [by cult members] in the dead of the night, but they refused to pour ice on the road. Tragic… but necessary.”
In part, they were successful - MCPS announced the closure at 6:00am, four minutes before the first buses would arrive. “They have to stop doing this crap,” said student Jone Schmidt, “I was pretty certain that our plan would work, but I literally saw my bus making its way to my stop and making a u-turn as soon as the clock hit 6:04. Just let me sleep in, goddamn it.” Unsurprisingly, many students and even teachers did not bother to partake in virtual learning methods. Teachers complained about not having sufficient time to prepare a lesson, while students were simply too prideful.
Enstocking was apprehended for conspiracy, obstruction of roads, catching fish with his bare hands, and being in possession of at least 1000 pounds of illicit drugs. His public execution by D-Cap machine is scheduled for February 30th. Under the new Student Conspiracy and Traffic Obstruction Prevention Act, nobody will be allowed to have a refrigerator or a freezer for an indefinite amount of time. “In order to ensure that we meet the 180-day requirement, this must never happen again,” said Joe Archibaldson, the Head of the Maryland Department of Transportation and Student Participation in Achieving Required Instructional Time.
Many view Enstocking as a heinous villain, but others view him as a hero. No matter your stance on the issue, you may want to buy a cooler.
