New Patent for Magnet Boots to “Hold Australians On”

School officials announced on Tuesday that a new patent has been developed by a group of magnet teachers for a set of “Magnet” Boots to keep Australians on the Earth. One engineer behind the product, Erik Lodal said “Ever wonder why 90% of humans live in the northern hemisphere and no one lives in the land down under? It’s because everything is upside down and they have a hard time stopping themselves from falling off.” To this end Lodal and his team have developed a set of boots to prevent this.

One Australian user told us “It's great, I lost two-thirds of my family because they forgot to strap themselves in before they went to sleep but now it's not an issue.”  In the last 10 years, 12 million Australians have died from falling off the planet.

Upon further inquiry into how these new boots work despite most of the Earth not being magnetic, we spoke with developer James Schafer. “They don’t actually operate via magnetism, we just call them that because of the workforce that creates them.” said Schafer, “All these ‘prestigious’ colleges that our students get into, they’re actually sweatshops for the creation of the boots.”

A Silver Splinter reporter was sent to “Harvard” to investigate these claims and found an efficient factory hard at work. Former magnet student Alex Lin told us that he never expected to feel such fulfillment. “When I was in High School I was so stressed out about grades and going to college but here in the Production Factory it’s stress free, I just get an 18 hour shift to think for myself.”

The new product is coming out in droves and will fund new Magnet activities like the Magnet Anti-Union Federation and the Let Children Work Society, both organizations aim to reduce child labor restrictions so more students can have the wonderful experience provided by Magnet Boots Inc.