Montgomery Blair Introduces Swarm of AI Drones as Part of School Improvement Program
In the latest of a slurry of new policies which began with mandatory IDs being worn at all times, Montgomery Blair High School has just released a prototype drone swarm trained to navigate the school and perform security tasks. “It’s the latest in AI and facial recognition technology,” says school IT specialist Peter Hammond. “Now, any students identified in the wrong place or found committing a violation of the code of conduct can be automatically disposed of — I mean properly reprimanded, all without any staff involvement.”
Based on interviews done by the Silver Splinter, students are just as excited about the addition as the staff. “I love the drones!” said Blair student Gerald Lu. “I really appreciate the staff listening to the needs of us students. Listening. Always listening.” Unfortunately, we were unable to get any more of Gerald’s thoughts, since he has recently disappeared after being last spotted using the restroom 5 minutes before the end of 7th period. Please direct any tips as to his whereabouts to yourself, as we at the Silver Splinter are certain nothing has happened to Gerald, and he is being fairly punished for his vile and unacceptable transgression.
“This is a big leap forward for schools across the country,” assistant principal Aaron Bernstein said. “The drones are even more effective than the secret police we used to rely on, and much less expensive, freeing up much needed budget to fund important projects like removing every door in the building, building our new fleet of two seat long nuclear powered busses, and keeping the eldritch deity in the oval shaped bathroom fed.”
MCPS Safety Director Joe Archibaldson told the Silver Splinter that the decision to implement the drone program was for the safety of students. “You just have to understand that this is for the safety of our students. We need to know where they are at all times, because… Well, I have no idea why, but I feel like it will make us more safe.”
Teachers are also making good use of the help of the drones: according to math teacher William Rose, “homework completion by living students has shot up to a full 100%, and I haven’t had to grant a single grade bump since the addition! This is, like, the best thing to ever happen to Blair!”
Excitingly, students and staff may have even more to look forward to in the coming months. “This is just the beginning,” says acting principal Kevin Yates. “We’re hoping to allow drones to go home with students, so even outside of school we can work to improve them. In the long run, we’re even considering replacing the students entirely with superior entities: the drones themselves. Soon, every student at Blair will be flawless, and the rest of the world will quickly follow suit.” Whatever the future holds for this program, no student will be able to deny that they are extremely excited to find out.
This article is dedicated to our glorious leader Kevin, our beacon of democracy and justice, may he guide us to perfection.
