Senior Drunk on Power Declares Himself Emperor Norton II

Blair Senior Henry Merrill declared himself Emperor Norton II on Wednesday after he learned that there were only 42 days of school left for seniors. In a hastily arranged ceremony on Blair Boulevard, Merrill proclaimed that he was “The true heir of Norton I, Emperor of the United States and Protector of Mexico and so would be henceforth known as Emperor Norton II.” This comes soon after it was revealed that the last day of school for seniors was moved up. When interviewed Norton II said “With there only being 42 days of school left, I can do pretty much whatever I want, and what I really want is to be Emperor of The United States.” Merrill, a historically odd student, has been known for doing strange things like drinking large quantities of chocolate milk, carrying balloons around, and stealing kazoos from the kazoo club. An associate of his, who wished to remain anonymous says “Really this is quite odd but unsurprising. Henry has always been a bit of a strange guy.” Merrill has now demanded that his teachers refer to him as “your majesty” and that he be carried from class to class in a litter carried by freshman. Some administrators are skeptical, Assistant Principal Joe Archibaldson says he is concerned about the use of freshmen to carry the litter, “Those freshmen have to make it to class on time and they can not do that if they are carrying the litter. Also where will the litter go during classes?” Merrill dismissed these problems as “normal people problems” and said “My subjects must stop fighting amongst themselves.” The administration's next steps are uncertain.