Crude Oil Refinery Beneath Blair Destroyed by Eco-terrorists
SILVER SPRING, MD — In what has been called a “massive loss” for Montgomery Blair High School, eco-terrorists from the school’s Green Club exploded a crucial underground refinery this past Monday, the existence of which few students knew of until Monday’s explosion.
At approximately 12:40 PM, students in the 140s and 160s hallways reported a mysterious ticking noise to school administration, but their complaints went unanswered because no additional reports were submitted. No additional students submitted reports because few students ever dare to enter the general 160s area, as a general aura of fear extends over the hallway’s many Spanish classrooms.
Just over an hour after the initial reports, a massive fireball erupted from the school. A student caught in the blast told a Silver Splinter Correspondent minutes after the explosion, “At first, I thought the three bomb threats were just happening late, but then I saw a plume of oil burst through the floor. Usually, the only thing that bursts out of the floor in Spanish classrooms is the blood of students who don’t conjugate correctly, so I knew something had gone wrong.” The student’s skin was entirely burnt, so they could not be identified before they were taken away by Sra. Cuadrado, who insisted that they do just one more listening comprehension activity.
News helicopters quickly surrounded the building and began broadcasting the plight of the suffering Blair students. “At least we’re not RM,” said one student, whose lower torso was actively burning.
The MCPD were called in to check for extra bombs, but their search ended two hours later and found no credible threat. Unfortunately, the refinery was destroyed in the explosion. Significant damage was reported in other secretive underground structures, including the swimming pool, nuclear power plant, and student disposal center.
The cost of cleanup crews is expected to exceed $5, completely wiping out this year’s English Department budget. Blair English teachers are expected to cut costs by taking out nouns, adverbs, and the letter “w” from the curriculum. When asked why the refinery was underneath the school in the first place, Principal Renay Johnson responded, “[The refinery] was built during the Reagan years, and we didn't really know what to do with it. We even tried to offset the environmental impact by building a green garden!” This year’s profits from the refinery would have increased the school’s bomb threat prevention budget by $1 Billion and funded lavish parties for the MBHS Administration.
The attack by the Green Club was one of its most successful in years, with anonymous Green Club supporters declaring “Today is yet another victory for the Green Club. We will keep destroying these polluting devices until every last one is gone. All of Montgomery Blair will know our wrath!” In previous years, the Green Club has been known to take such decisive actions as a series of dramatic walkouts and putting up flyers in the hallways warning Blair students of their impending climate doom.
Even those in the professional world are feeling the heat of the Green Club. After the Blair explosion, Exxon CEO Darren Woods entirely pivoted his company to offer green energy solutions, stating, “I’m terrified of those people. Who knows what they could do? That’s why I’m turning Exxon, a company that’s been providing the world with all of its much-needed oil and gas products since the 1880s, into the world’s leading producer of kale-based fuel products.” Internal Exxon reports show that kale-based fuel products can avert the coming climate disaster by allowing Darren Woods and other multi-millionaires to live on floating utopia cities while the rest of us plebeians drown in the rising kale-flavored tides.
