Blair dumps cartloads of phones into Chesapeake in attempt to digitally detox
On October 26th, Blair’s SGA and Principal Renay Johnson announced their plan to host their first digital detox challenge. Its goal was to make students more responsible with technology. When the event began, however, it was clear that very few people would sign up and participate. In order to address the lack of participation, the SGA held a vote at their meeting the following Friday to determine their next course of action.
All kinds of ideas were offered, but one stood out as easier and more effective than the others: forcefully taking the phones and dumping them into the Chesapeake Bay. Kele Zhang, a member of the SGA, told us, “It seemed like a good idea at the time, but looking back at the backlash we’ve received, it seems like it wasn’t such a wise decision.” Many other members of the SGA hold similar opinions and are worried about what consequences they might face. However, Joe Archibaldson, the faculty advisor of the SGA, does not regret his decision, claiming that “the students had it coming for them” and that it was “the only way” to solve the cell phone addiction problem. And since the SGA can not actually do anything itself, his suggestion was rubber stamped.
Ryan Leventhal, a student who had his phone stolen, told us that an SGA member “just snatched the phone out of my hands, telling me that I should stop scrolling through Instagram and do my work. I was just trying to turn in my math homework! The SGA is just being used to enforce administration policies!” Many other students are suffering from this same problem, with many of their math grades dropping because of their inability to turn in their homework. Jamie Lozada-McBride, a student in Mr. Rose’s Precalculus C class, complained that Mr. Rose was still making them scan their homework, even though not a single kid in his class still had their phone. When asked about this, Mr. Rose said, “You should just, like, do it anyway or something.”
There are concerns about the possible effects on the environment. There are many dangerous chemicals in phones, such as the mercury found in the LCD screens and batteries. The spread of such chemicals caused drastic population drops in local wildlife. Local fishermen are commenting on the metallic taste and lower yields of fish. One student, Ivan the Terrible, told us that “I don’t think the fish really like that. I’m sure they’d much prefer a mercury-free environment.” The Blair Green Team also commented, saying that “This is worse than the time we bombed the oil refinery!”
Due to pending lawsuits from many different students and their parents, the digital detox has been put to an end and an investigation has been started. After receiving an anonymous tip, the police confirmed that the school had indeed dumped the stolen phones into the Chesapeake Bay and will be sending scuba divers to try and retrieve the phones. Principal Johnson was reached for comment but we did not receive a response as our phones had been stolen.
