House Republicans kidnap an elephant from the National Zoo to be House Speaker
Yesterday, the National Zoo announced that it would be pressing charges against the House Republican Caucus, which facilitated the kidnapping of an elephant from the Zoo. The elephant, named Donald Trunk, was successfully elected Speaker of the House after weeks of chaos.
After four failed nominees to be Speaker of the House following Kevin McCarthy’s (R-Ca.) ouster almost 4 weeks ago, Republicans have finally agreed on a candidate. Rep. Charlotte Anne (R-Tex.) first proposed the plan earlier this week as Tom Emmer (R-Minn.) dropped out of the race. “With Tom gone, who is it gonna be?” she said. “Mike Johnson? Mr. Generic Name himself? We might as well get an elephant.” The call was quickly taken up by the caucus as a whole. However, they quickly ran into a problem when they realized that they did not have an elephant to elect. So, on Tuesday night, several members of the Joint Congressional Committee on Larceny went out to the National Zoo and stole one of the elephants, Darcy, whom one Democrat jokingly referred to as Donald Trunk. The name quickly caught on among Republicans.
Edward Molwrat, a zookeeper at the National Zoo, told The Silver Splinter that the congressmen were very recognizable. “With their jackets and ties, except Jim Jordan I guess, they stood out quite a bit,” he said, “And when they started moving Darcy, it was very noticeable to Zoo security. She is a little large, after all.”
Jim Jordan (R-Ohio), who withdrew from the race last week after losing three votes on the house floor, said that the representatives were forced to call in a helicopter to move the Elephant after they tranquilized it. “Darcy was making quite a fuss, so I had to wrestle her to the ground and we had to poke her with some needle that I, ummm, happened to have in my pocket, but then we couldn’t lift her, so we called in the cavalry.” The National Zoo has announced it will be pressing charges against the congressmen, although they have recently passed a resolution claiming that the elephant was not stolen, but that it was merely “on indefinite loan.”
Many Republicans on both sides of the recent leadership fight endorsed the plan. A former Freedom Caucus member, Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-Ga.) said: “The Elephant is a true republican, not one of those RINOs [Republicans in Name Only], The Elephant knows the 2020 election was rigged, she knows Donald Trump is the true president, and she knows that Joe Biden is in cahoots with the Jewish Space Laser Force to start wildfires.” She suggested that Darcy be formally recognized in the camber as Speaker Donald Trunk, in honor of the former President. The resolution only passed after several democrats were forced to abstain as they were too busy laughing to vote.
