Jimmy Carter to Replace Biden for President
CHICAGO - After Joe Biden’s not-so-surprising Sunday announcement that he will not be running for President, the question of who the Democrats would nominate was thrown up into the air. Kamala Harris, the bland inexperienced campaigner and venn-diagram loving Vice President, was expected to easily secure the nomination until the intervention of Democratic Party Elder and hero, Jimmy Carter of Georgia.
“It’s been 44 years since I last ran for President,” Carter said on CNN yesterday, “But it's like riding a bike or rowing a boat, you can always pick it up again as long as you don’t get attacked by a rabbit.” Carter’s nomination marks a turning point, as Democrats hope to counter claims of Biden being too old with proof that, in the words of one democratic strategist, “An even older guy who is in hospice will do.”
Carter was nominated by an online roll call of Democratic delegates on Tuesday after his surprise announcement. Following his election Carter was wheeled in to give his acceptance speech via zoom, but no one heard it, considering he forgot to unmute himself. Only at the very end (when his great-grandchild intervened to turn his mike on), was he heard saying “I wish I could have my old friend Walter be my Vice President, but I heard he had something going on 6-feet underground. I guess I will have to choose what's-her-face, the current person.” He then muttered “Take that Gipper, I got the last laugh,” and let the virtual balloons fall.
Patty Davis, Ronald Reagan’s daughter, when asked what her late father would think of his old rival being nominated said “Honestly, considering the opposition, I think he would just be glad to be dead,” before adding, “Something that the Democrats are glad about too, I suppose.”
However, Carter is, counterintuitively, not a popular choice among many older voters. Edith Chumley, a 76-year-old voter from North Carolina said that “I loved Jimmy in ‘76 and ‘80, but now I hate that bastard. How come he gets to live so long?” This sentiment should be taken with a grain of salt, however, as many voters like Chumley won’t be able to vote in November due to either their geriatric condition or their soon-to-be deceased condition, although the same might be said about Carter’s ability to be President.
