How a seemingly widespread cult took over every radio station in America
Over the last 20 years, a silent, increasingly powerful cult has commandeered radio stations across the nation for their own nefarious purposes. The cult, known to some as the Cult of Jesus Christ, is a newfound religion that originated only about 2000 years ago, and seems to worship certain music-makers such as Mariah Carey, Michael Bublé, and Brenda Lee.
If anyone has turned on their radio recently, (for our younger readers, a radio is an electromagnetic wave receptor used by old people to listen to music, kind of like Spotify but you can’t choose the song and there are ads), they might have noticed that there are several songs playing on repeat, songs like "All I Want for Christmas is You", "Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree", and the boringly titled: "The Christmas Song" (Ironically not written by a member of the cult)
Now our precocious readers might notice that all of these songs have one word in common, “Christmas” but what is the origin of this word? What does it mean? Well to bring you the answer, The Silver Splinter has unearthed an elaborate plot and completed the most daring exposé since Woodward and Bernstein.
It all started about 2000 years ago in what is now Israel (although some claim it is not) when a young man, who’s name we won’t bother you with, was born. Who this person is and what they did is irrelevant, but you should know that they were later executed after due process of law by the Roman government of the time for attacking totally reasonable capitalists.
Almost 2000 years later, followers of this man, who have taken a “✝” shape as their
symbols since it was related to the execution method of their idol (Basing symbols on executions seems like a bad path), have embraced new leaders. These new leaders are dedicated to complete control of American Media, starting with radio stations.
Martin Pope, the Archbishop of Silver Spring sat down with us to explain. “Well, we said, how can we recruit more members to our cult? The answer is to have a holiday that everyone wants to celebrate because who doesn’t like presents and food in the middle of the winter when everyone is cold and cranky. And what better way to spread the word than through song?” And thus Christmas was created and supposedly set to the date of the cult founder’s birthday. The movement has been extremely successful, as in 2018 over 500 radio stations were part of the propaganda campaign and the number is still growing.
And yet this seemingly pleasant wintery phenomenon has darker undertones, Charles Stuart, an activist for the Anti-Celebratory Vegetation Committee said “The Christmas celebration is a horrible display of cultural appropriation. It blatantly steals from the ancient festivals of Saturnalia and Sol Invictus.” When asked about whether it could be cultural appropriation since the relevant culture no longer exists, he said “A culture is a culture, whether it has any members… My job is to end any unfair interpretation of activities.”
And that is not the end of it, as even some inside the cult are also opposed to the holiday. One group who call themselves Pure Cultists or “Puritans” attempted to ban Christmas celebrations in England and Massachusetts. John Field, a leader of the group had this to say, “By celebrating this holiday we are celebrating an ancient pagan holiday, it is unfair and unreasonable and it taints our sacred practices. After all, I have a sneaking suspicion that the people celebrating are having fun.”
But as to how to stop this takeover, Stuart has an idea, “Stop listening to the radio, stop playing the songs, don’t allow them to take over like that.” He and his group have started blasting Roman Odes on every radio frequency in protest in order to stop the further spread of the Cult of Jesus Christ's attempt.
