Horoscope #1

Aries ♈️ (March 21 - April 19)

Go read Calvin and Hobbes. This isn’t a joke horoscope, I just really like the comic. 

Taurus ♉️ (April 20 - May 20)

Insert philosophical life quote here

Gemini ♊️ (May 21 - June 20)

You will give vodka to a moose. 

Cancer ♋️: (June 21 - July 22)

You don’t believe in horoscopes, you’re just bored in class.

Leo ♌️ (July 23 - August 22)

There is a snail 5 kilometers from your location…

Virgo ♍️ (August 23 - September 22)

84% of you are amazing at math, and the other 26% suck at statistics.

Libra ♎️ (September 23 - October 22)

You’re not like the ✨other✨ girls. 💅💅💅

Scorpio ♏️ (October 23 - November 21)

Big things are coming your way!

Sagittarius ♐️ (November 22 - December 21)

That’s what she said 

Capricorn ♑️ (December 22 - January 19)

Can't reach the moon now, can't turn the tide

Aquarius ♒️ (January 20 - February 18)

You will be attacked by a drunken moose. 

Pisces ♓️ (February 19 - March 20)

Try out for every sport, you can’t fail ALL of them. Right?

Note: Horoscopes are an extremely accurate predictor of the future unrivaled by any other source except perhaps economists. However many people have been confusing this almost-unbelievable technique with the ridiculous "science" of astronomy. We humbly ask that people stop confusing the two.