Biden and Charles III's Croquet Night Interuptted by Simultaneous Cancer Outbreak
WASHINGTON-In shocking news last Monday, US President Joe Biden and British King and leader of the Commonwealth Charles III (Who hereafter will be referred to as Charles Windsor, as he fails to have demonstrated any valid mandate from the people for his position) were forced to end their monthly croquet night, which was has been an ongoing tradition since they fought against each other in the War of 1812.
It began with President Biden, claiming a stiff feeling in his back, but soon enough Mr. Windsor was doubling down in pain as well. “Really it came as a great shock,” says Royal Croquet Assistant Sir Bentley Wilson, “Especially since the two men already have every other condition elderly people suffer from between them.”
This outbreak raises new doubts about the age of the respective leaders, who were each the eldest to obtain their current position (Although only one of them actually earned their position through, you know, voting). In a statement on Wednesday, President Biden said that he was not concerned about his age because “my good friend Julius Caesar wasn’t concerned about his age when he invaded Gaul.”
Similarly, Mr. Windsor made a statement from Buckingham palace where he said that although he understood the concerns about his age, “I’m the King by divine right of my ancestors so I don’t [explicative] care about your [explicative] concerns.” He then released a picture of himself walking one of his mother’s old corgis with the caption: “I pinky promise that I didn’t photoshop this.”
Uldper Songuy, President of the AARP said that “We fully support the stance of our illustrious leaders and will do everything possible to help them. Speaking of which, if I were you Mr. Biden, I would start thinking about how you’re gonna fund my… I mean everyone’s Social Security.”
This has been generally echoed by the American public. In a recent poll by a small local DMV paper called the Washington Post, only 19% of Americans said they cared about the gout. “Most people are more concerned about the real issues, like who the next Assistant Deputy undersecretary of Energy is gonna be.” said Post writer Gavin News-om.
Here at Blair, however, sentiment has been a little different. “If my grandmother, who is the same age as Biden, can’t figure out how to send an email, how can we expect Biden to run the country?” said Sophomore Ella Wu while briefly looking away from watching anime. That seemed positively compassionate compared to some other student’s thoughts; all Gerald Lu, another Sophomore, had to say was “Had ha ha ha, who the [Explicative] gets gout.” before doubling over laughing.
